Question:
I've been invited to a religious funeral — should I go?
Response:
Funerals are a difficult time for all involved. The loss of a loved one takes a terrible toll on those left behind, and often the funeral service plays an important role in people being able to say goodbye and move on with their lives. Very often, religious ceremonies are incorporated into funerals — ceremonies which might be a problem for atheists. Should atheists therefore refuse to attend?
This is a hard situation to face. As difficult as a funeral may be, it is only made more difficult for atheists by the inclusion of prayers, sermons, and other religious events. How you react and how you handle things will be very dependent upon just how close you were to the deceased.
If they were distant from you in some way, then it would be reasonable to try and attend the services and ignore the religious aspects as much as possible. You may object strongly to the messages about heaven and hell which you hear, but you are there to show support for those who were closer and are grieving more heavily. Reign in your objections and be supportive of them in their time of need.
If you suspect that the services will be a real bother, you don't even have to stay for the whole thing — just go to pay your respects, let the family know that they can count on you if they need anything, and then go home. Also, be sure to do something after the funeral - too often people attend a funeral and then go about their lives as if nothing happened, leaving the family alone in their grief. Stop by a week or two later to see how they are doing. Maybe you can bring them some food — all of the fruit baskets they received earlier will probably be gone by then.
Matters are more complicated when you are very close to the deceased and going through your own grieving process. The funeral should be for you as well as the others, but you won't feel that way if there are strong religious messages which you object to. Why should you be forced to listen to someone talking about how the deceased is in heaven and waiting for others when you are attempting to cope with what you regard as a permanent and irrevocable loss?
Some may not see such a sermon as something that should cause friction because it represents the beliefs of some of those in attendance — but that isn't a justification for excluding others in such a manner. For those who have trouble understanding why this would be a big deal, imagine sitting through a funeral where you have to listen to how your recently deceased loved one is burning in hell because they didn't follow the right form of Christianity, or perhaps how they will be reincarnated as a toad because their karma was so awful.
Wouldn't that be a bit insulting? Wouldn't most people find it that much more difficult to cope with their loss and sadness if they had to listen to such things? Well, those who don't believe in heaven feel something very similar. Hearing about a loved one in heaven may make some feel better, but if it makes others feel worse, then perhaps it is wrong to focus too much on it.
Everyone at a funeral deserves some basic respect and consideration. Everyone's feelings matter and no one should be essentially told "if this makes you feel worse and you don't like it, you can always leave." So, some sort of compromise is necessary. If many people would be comforted by the religious elements, it would also be wrong to eliminate them completely — but for the sake of those who are bothered, why not tone them down a bit?
If you yourself think that a funeral will have a strong religious aspect that will be a problem, you should take the time to express your concerns to those responsible for organizing it. You may want to offer to say something yourself at the service in order to provide more balance. If, however, others refuse to acknowledge that you deserve any consideration in this, then you may indeed have to choose between going and staying home.
Perhaps, if there are enough who feel as you do, you can organize your own memorial service where the religious elements play a much smaller role, if any at all. It's unfortunate, but others in their grief may fail to treat you with the consideration and respect that you deserve - and there isn't any simple or easy way to deal with that on top of the grief you are already experiencing.
